Jealousy
by Redphanqueen
Summary: Jealousy is a monster, a monster Phil tries to keep at bay...because really who cares about him really? (phan)


**I don't own Dan and Phil**

 **Hey Pastries! so I was inspired, by a chapter I did recently in Our Little Phanmily and a few things I saw on Tumblr...and again, I don't claim to know if Phil feels this way or not but this is just for entertainment purposes. If you want to consider this a spiritual successor to 'uncomfortable' you can.**

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Jealousy was a horrible thing.

What was jealousy? Jealousy was a tiny monster that lived inside of you, it colored everything in shades of green and dug its claws into your heart. Making you feel worthless, hateful, guilty, angry, and bitter. Jealousy was wondering why you didn't have what someone else had? Jealousy was wondering why they had it and you didn't? Jealousy was wondering why they deserved something over you? Jealousy was hating someone because they had something you wanted, Jealousy was that feeling deep in your gut that made you sick of someone. It made you hate and smile even though seep down inside you wanted to punch them in their smug face. Jealousy was a horrible, horrible thing. People died because of it. It could attack anyone at any given time, it could drive wedges between even the closest of friends. No matter how much you tried to deny it, no matter how much you tried to bury it deep down in the recesses and corner of your mind. It would always be there waiting to strike at any given moment. Like a snake hidden in the tall grass.

Phil wasn't a jealous person...he was happy for people, genuinely happy for them. He loved hearing people go on about their achievements, and their accomplishments. It gave him a warm feeling, when he saw the smiles on people's faces and the enthusiasm in their voices as they talked about them. He liked the way their eyes light up, and how there was a kind of glow around them.

Who cared if his brother won all those awards and he didn't, who cared if his brother was talented and good looking, who cared if his brother was better at athletics. Their parents loved them equally, they indulged both of them in their interests never favoring one over the other or pitted one against the other. His parents encouraged him at what he was god at and they encouraged his brother at what he was good at. They never shoved one's achievements in the other's face and always made sure to treat both of them equally.

Who cared if he was once considered one of the faces of Youtube, he wasn't bitter about that. Sure he was doing this just as long as Tyler, Smosh, Pewdiepie and all of his other friends. None of that mattered really, his friends were out there doing things they enjoyed and making such quality content. Besides, his content was his and theirs was theirs, there was no reason to be jealous, everyone's channels were different, everyone's channels were unique and best represented them. People were going to like or not like certain Youtubers for whatever reason. It was totally ok.

Who cared if Dan was more popular than him? Dan was his best friend, and so what if people thought Dan was better looking than him, well he couldn't exactly blame them. He knew he wasn't the best looking person in the world, with his bad haircut, hooked nose, weird shaped head, or strange face. So what if Dan had more subscribers than him, Dan had way more relatable content than he did, Dan's videos were creative and about general people things...his were about his personal experiences, some people weren't going to be into that. Who cared if some people followed Dan and not him, some people were just drawn to Dan...who wouldn't be? Dan was handsome, he was warm, kind, relatable, had a presence that made you notice him, he was the one who took charge...and who was Phil? Phil was a twenty eight year old man making youtube videos on the internet with under half as many subscribers as his best friend...Phil was the childish one, the one who spouted random things and innuendos, who was innocent and childlike, who people looked down on.

That was who Phil was. He wasn't jealous though, he didn't have that monster inside of him, honestly he didn't. He was very happy for Dan and all of his accomplishments, he was proud of Dan and of how far he'd come. So what if he was popular, it didn't matter really...because Dan was still his best friend. At the end of the day, when you looked past the subscribers, the achievements, and the accomplishments. His brother was still his brother, his friends were still his friend, and Dan was still his Dan. His best friend, his boyfriend.

Sure it hurt when people hugged Dan instead of him, when Dan reached yet another milestone that he felt he'd never reach, when celebrities flocked to Dan, when people paid more attention to Dan than him. He wasn't bitter though, he wasn't really...really. Even if he was, he wasn't going to say anything. He didn't want to hurt Dan's feelings or push him away, he didn't want to make Dan uncomfortable, he didn't ever want to do anything that could make him lose Dan. Weather it be by angering him or making him feel so bad that he retreated back into that self-loathing person he used to be. He never would.

Even if sometimes he did.

Even as the monster gnawed at him as Dan hit 4,000,000 subscribers while he was still at 2,000,000,

Even as the monster growled whenever Dan was hugged and he wasn't.

Even as the monster flared its anger, whenever someone commented on Dan's appearance and said he wasn't as good looking as he was.

Even as the monster raged, he kept it buried and hidden. Dan was happy, that was what should matter most of all. Dan was happy don't make him upset, Dan was happy don't make him upset, Dan was happy, don't make him upset, those words echoing in his mind over and over as if that would quell the beast. As if that would make the world stop turning green for even just a moment, and make it calm down and leave him alone. As if that, would make everything go away.

He didn't like it though, the way Dan joked about Nick, the way people constantly kept that whole 'Hey Buddy You In London' joke going, the posts on Tumblr about Dan making the plane turn around just because Nick tweeted him, the way Nick hugged Dan, and yes he knew Nick had a girlfiend...but he'd had a boyfriend when he met Dan and he left Charlie for him. So, said the monster...what was to stop Nick from leaving his girlfriend for Dan and taking him away from you. After all, Nick was everything you aren't...he's good looking, he has way more accomplishments and connections than you do, he's better and deserves Dan more than you ever will...hell everyone else deserves Dan more than you. No one would care if you vanished.

Then the rational part of him came and told him that Dan would never leave him for anyone. He would've done it already, besides it was just a joke and Nick loved his girlfriend...so really there was nothing to worry about. Dan was not leaving him, there was no reason to be jealous none at all he was not going to let the monster win. So Phil just sat there, flipping the channels as Dan was in the kitchen when Scream Queens came on. He looked at the screen when Dan came in and immediately started joking that his lover was on, and reminding him of that stupid joke from the Tumblr tag. Phil's hands gripped the remote tightly in his hand.

He struggled to keep the beast hidden away. Struggled to hold it back as Dan laughed, and soon began to call his name and ask if he was ok, Phil just looked at him and smiled.

"Yeah, I'm fine is dinner almost ready?" He asked.

"Oh um...I kind of burned it, you want to get pizza instead?" Asked Dan, Phil nodded though he saw the look in Dan's warm brown eye. He could tell that Dan knew something was wrong, so he just smiled because he wasn't going to tell Dan. He didn't want to, it was stupid, he was stupid...and that would mean letting the monster win.

"You ok?" Asked Dan curiously.

" Yeah, why?" He asked, Dan just shook his head and he knew that he'd avoided it for the moment, then Dan changed the channel and the beast went away to possibly come back another day. He didn't know how long he could hold it back, but he had to for Dan's sake. Because Dan's happiness meant more to him than his own, because Dan was more important, because he'd never forgive himself he hurt Dan. Besides who cared about his feelings really?


End file.
